We’ve all had those relationships — platonic or intimate — where we find ourselves questioning if this is right for us. Maybe you’re anxious, perhaps you feel more stressed than you usually do, or maybe you feel as though the relationship is one-sided. The question is, what do we do and how do we address how we’re feeling.
First things first. I want you to take a step back. Think about how you felt before this person came into your life. Were you as anxious as you are now? Did you feel this stressed? It’s essential to take time to reflect on ourselves and pinpoint where our doubts and questions are stemming from. Is this more of a YOU thing, or do you think this person’s presence in your life has brought stress and anxiety in your life?
I used to have a friend who I thought was my ride or die. We were glued at the hip. She was my go-to person. However, every time I tried to talk about something going on in my life, it somehow became about her. It was almost as if she needed to one-up me. I’m sure you know someone like that. This kind of friend is not the type of person you want in your life.
It took me three years to realize what was going on in our friendship. I felt anxious anytime I wanted to share something with her. When we would hang out, I’d find I was frustrated because everything had to revolve around her. Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I had few friends, and so I settled. I thought, “Well, at least I have her.” I thought that having someone in my life was better than having no one.
You know what happened once I decided this friendship wasn’t for me and I removed her from my life? A weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt more… me. I opened up and invited new people into my circle. I made friends. Genuine friends. The moral of the story: if it isn’t for you then let it go. Don’t let people drag you down. Don’t waste your time and efforts on the wrong people. Life is too short to deny yourself true, genuine connections. Not everyone is for you; don’t let others drain your energy.
Now let us talk about intimate relationships. I don’t care if you’ve been with this person for a week, a month, or years. This applies to everyone so please, hear me out. Do you question your relationship? And I don’t mean anxiety in relationships, that’s to be expected when you decide to share yourself with another person. I mean truly, deeply questioning.
Thought such as
- Do I deserve the way this person treats me?
- Are their actions acceptable?
- Why am I the one to always apologize?
- Maybe I should ignore how that made me feel and try to move past this.
- I don’t understand how everything ends up being my fault.
RUN. Get out. If you see red flags, if your brain is kicking into fight or flight mode then this isn’t the relationship for you. Sure, every relationship has its issues. But if you find yourself wondering if the positive outweighs the negative then you need to listen to yourself. Really listen and dig deep within yourself. If you even begin to question or THINK you deserve better, guess what… you do.
For those who are in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t be surprised if you said you choose to stay because you’ve “already invested so much time and effort” or that you don’t want to “start all over again.” The three, five, or ten years you’ve invested in this relationship is only a blip in time in comparison to your entire life. Do you want to spend the next forty or fifty years questioning yourself and your relationship?
I hope your answer is no. You deserve SO much more. You deserve to be treated well, with love and compassion. You deserve a partner who treats you with kindness. You deserve happiness. Are you listening to me? YOU DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE.
Dammit, I cannot express how fired up this makes me. I’ve stayed in emotionally abusive relationships. They made me believe that I was the problem. I was the reason they were unhappy. I was the reason they were mad and yelled at me regularly. I’ve been in a relationship where they put their hands on me. Do you know what I told myself? “They are a good person; alcohol just makes them do stupid things.” And I tried to work it out.
I’ve been in relationships where I see red flags and try to ignore them. I’ve tried to convince myself that their positive traits cancels out the things that made me incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve had moments where I thought, “You know what, everyone has their faults.” As true as this is — everyone does have faults — if their faults make you uncomfortable or question your worth or jeopardize your mental and emotional well being, then it isn’t for you.
We do not deserve this! Men and women alike. Stand up for yourself. Know your worth and accept nothing less. I urge you to walk away and spend time getting to know yourself. Find your happiness. Find your peace. Get to a point where you know you are happy alone and that another person in your life is only an added benefit. When you find your inner peace and grow the love you have for yourself, then you will know your worth in a relationship, and you will have no problem walking away if it isn’t right for you.
Today and every day, I put energy out to the universe for you and your happiness. I hope you find your peace. I hope you grow that love for yourself. I hope you can stand up and say, “Nope, this isn’t for me.” And walk away with peace in your heart and mind.